I miss my world tonight……more than I have on usual occasions. I wonder what I have become here and what I will become after my years here. It is strange living like this. You estrange yourself from a former life so you are not restricted by it…….yet you remain connected to it cause it defines you.

Tonight, I feel lost, guilty and alone in an alien place. Part of me wants a glimpse of home……but the other part reasons that I am still not ready for. There is still so much I need to do and become. Someday, I shall return to my former life……..as for now…I shall find my solace in God as I always have. This night shall not pass very easily…….

Here I am again……..with all the usual raves and rants. Two weeks ago, I was wondering how it would feel to finally move away. To finally go to states for my masters….and effectively leave a whole life and world behind. Now that I am here, I realize that not much has changed. I am still the same; feel excited about the same things and remain indifferent to the same set and I still enjoy writing at night…although now in a completely different time zone. If anything, I find myself more focused; more sure and more excited about what I shall be doing in the coming 1.5 year.

Ofcourse I miss home. Miss the life that I had there. But its not something that wears me down or constantly plagues my thoughts. Its just nostalgia; a state that has to be dealt with and something highly important. I believe it shall keep me rooted during my time here; an assurance that I shall remain true to my world and the ideals I proclaim, being a part of it. 

Time travels at a blinding pace here. There is so much to do; so must to say, to understand and feel; and hardly enough time to do any. In the past 10 years or so, I have grown so accustomed to my world and all its aspects. Have taken it for granted on most occasions; assuming that it is going to last a lifetime and that I would always be trapped by it; protected by it. But all this is about to change in a while.

I still find myself almost in denial. Try to carry through all the acts of the day as if this is an unbendable routine. But one dream made it all frighteningly real. Its when I dreamt that I will be leaving on the very next day and it was so frighteningly realistic that it kept me awake for five straight hours.

How do you leave a life behind? I guess the only answer to that is…..you dont! You carry your world with you, treasure it, protect it and remain connected to it. Not just because of its ethical implications. But simply because you need to do so to survive. Everyone argues that my perspectives will change once I go there and that I will not return to my own country after completing my studies. I think, I feel too strongly for my country, my people and my world to remain separated from it for long. 

Tonight I am at the mercy of mixed emotions. It has been a day with high levels of grief, gratitude, anger and a frustration. And at this hour, I honestly fail to put all things in perspective. Just don’t have much strength left in me tonight. I guess I am too tired right now……..to the point of being numb to all sensations. I guess I will think about life tomorrow.

The purpose of this post is to wish happpy birthday to the best friend I could have ever asked for.

Hey, I just realized. Superman is bipartisan. Not sure whether this concept was kept in mind at its inception though. 

Its confusing how intricately involved all strands of life can be. It’s a whole web of circumstances; which when put together, define all possibilities and given occurrences. Like an impossibly complex riddle, beyond the capacity of any mortal. It’s as if every single individual or entity in this world is one variable, independent while being intricately involved with the dynamics of this system. We are all constantly subject to the restrictions of time, space and circumstance; all trying to define our own destinies and pathways. Striving to counter the limitations of our existence and almost always recognizing the impossibility of our efforts. But this struggle defines our role, our place in this universal riddle. Realizing the futility of this struggle is also a realization we are meant to have; in a way to balance ourselves between being fatalistic or assuming full control. It’s a system designed to capture our fantasies and realities, bounding and restricting them to its own defined dogmas.