Time travels at a blinding pace here. There is so much to do; so must to say, to understand and feel; and hardly enough time to do any. In the past 10 years or so, I have grown so accustomed to my world and all its aspects. Have taken it for granted on most occasions; assuming that it is going to last a lifetime and that I would always be trapped by it; protected by it. But all this is about to change in a while.

I still find myself almost in denial. Try to carry through all the acts of the day as if this is an unbendable routine. But one dream made it all frighteningly real. Its when I dreamt that I will be leaving on the very next day and it was so frighteningly realistic that it kept me awake for five straight hours.

How do you leave a life behind? I guess the only answer to that is…..you dont! You carry your world with you, treasure it, protect it and remain connected to it. Not just because of its ethical implications. But simply because you need to do so to survive. Everyone argues that my perspectives will change once I go there and that I will not return to my own country after completing my studies. I think, I feel too strongly for my country, my people and my world to remain separated from it for long. 

Tonight I am at the mercy of mixed emotions. It has been a day with high levels of grief, gratitude, anger and a frustration. And at this hour, I honestly fail to put all things in perspective. Just don’t have much strength left in me tonight. I guess I am too tired right now……..to the point of being numb to all sensations. I guess I will think about life tomorrow.

The purpose of this post is to wish happpy birthday to the best friend I could have ever asked for.

Hey, I just realized. Superman is bipartisan. Not sure whether this concept was kept in mind at its inception though. 

Its confusing how intricately involved all strands of life can be. It’s a whole web of circumstances; which when put together, define all possibilities and given occurrences. Like an impossibly complex riddle, beyond the capacity of any mortal. It’s as if every single individual or entity in this world is one variable, independent while being intricately involved with the dynamics of this system. We are all constantly subject to the restrictions of time, space and circumstance; all trying to define our own destinies and pathways. Striving to counter the limitations of our existence and almost always recognizing the impossibility of our efforts. But this struggle defines our role, our place in this universal riddle. Realizing the futility of this struggle is also a realization we are meant to have; in a way to balance ourselves between being fatalistic or assuming full control. It’s a system designed to capture our fantasies and realities, bounding and restricting them to its own defined dogmas. 

So it all comes down to this. All the toil; the research done to strengthen my application; the hours spent on GRE preparation; the whole drama of that unfolded before my TOEFL exam; spending hours in preparing applications and refining personal statements. The outcome of all this would be decided over a 5 minute interview. And all this would account to more or less nothing if I am not able to be convincing in the space of those 5 minutes. I wonder how I feel, or rather should be feeling about the whole scenario. Maybe I should prepare; form countless arguments and counter arguments in my head that may cover any given scenario. But maybe that would be wrong. I do not know where it would get me, but I hope to be honest above all else. I have done all the preparation I need. I have worked a whole year in the preparation for this. And now, it’s only the final sprint……which in my opinion should be instinctive. I leave it to God’s designs….. 

The air has started getting cooler now. It has become much more forgiving in its nature; much more open. You can almost feel the anticipation of winter. Sort of like a slight calmness in the general outlook of things; a sort of sluggishness which can only be associated with extreme summer or the eve of winter. As for me; I cant wait to live again in the silent nights, strolling and dreaming while being curiously aware of every sound within a block’s distance.