An end to these musings. To these self indulgent convolution of words. This place has never held much meaning for me....or anyone else for that matter. This calls for a change..

What do I make of my life now. I am leagues away trying to make sense out of cryptic messages and hushed whispers. I guess I should form an identity in a different world amongst different people. But for some reason, it has always been in my nature to hold back my own self. I still move, think, feel and love the same way I did in years past. This land has not changed me. It has evolved me into being more stable and resilient in all these traits. It has made me stronger and more self contained. I am not sure whether I should welcome this change or grieve for it. Previously, being closed was more of a choice for me. A resolve which was broken from time to time if the strain elevated beyond tolerance. Now, its a compulsion. I am not as trusting as I once was. I tend to question people and their motives much more; and for that reason, always keep my newly acquired acquaintances at an arm's length. They know me as a shell of flesh which I expose to the world; but not my own self. I do not think I will open up to my new surroundings the way I wanted to.

And then there is you......I wonder what your world is like now. Its funny how I knew most aspects of your life before and am less than a stranger now. Much has changed.....things have been easier on me than I expected; but it has not been all easy. How could it be, considering that I decided to change my whole world while alienating myself, perhaps permanently from one of the most important aspect of my past life. The past does not hold me down; but that does not mean I have moved on. I have a life and I have a world to return to. And for my own self and them, I have to keep my strength up. To crumble is to fall in the eyes of all who look up to me with an expectant gaze. And for me, that thought is intolerable beyond measure.

Tonight’s post is dedicated to a shelter. Probably the gentlest and strongest person I have known in my life; his life was a constant struggle, battling a disease he was destined to lose against. Yet he kept fighting, showing his normal demeanor to the world and concealing whatever fears he had. It was part of his job to inspire people in order to reach greater heights of their potential. I met him last a week or so before leaving for states. I know that I am always going to regret not giving another visit before leaving, knowing that I will never be able to see him or talk to him in this life again.

I know that I shall always look up at his example; difficult to follow it may be……he is the one person who has probably inspired me the most as a teacher. Uncle Zaeem, you may well be gone to this world but you will always live on in our hearts. I shall always remember you as a shelter you were…..and the way you believed in me when many others would have doubted. You will be sorely missed….

Winds have started shifting in my city. Its the eve of winter and its unlike anything I have witnessed before. My city has exploded in the colors of fall with every tree giving its own distinct hue. Winters are very different here; a world different from the time I used to cherish every moment of.
Back home, winters marked a time of reflection; where the nights were silent, blissful, enlightening. Here, they are weary, desolate and confining. Soon, the trees shall loose their colors and the entire landscape will be painted in white; winds will be biting, testing your every nerve, every sense; and all this will be here to stay. I only wonder now how different it will be from the years past.....

I miss my world tonight……more than I have on usual occasions. I wonder what I have become here and what I will become after my years here. It is strange living like this. You estrange yourself from a former life so you are not restricted by it…….yet you remain connected to it cause it defines you.

Tonight, I feel lost, guilty and alone in an alien place. Part of me wants a glimpse of home……but the other part reasons that I am still not ready for. There is still so much I need to do and become. Someday, I shall return to my former life……..as for now…I shall find my solace in God as I always have. This night shall not pass very easily…….

Here I am again……..with all the usual raves and rants. Two weeks ago, I was wondering how it would feel to finally move away. To finally go to states for my masters….and effectively leave a whole life and world behind. Now that I am here, I realize that not much has changed. I am still the same; feel excited about the same things and remain indifferent to the same set and I still enjoy writing at night…although now in a completely different time zone. If anything, I find myself more focused; more sure and more excited about what I shall be doing in the coming 1.5 year.

Ofcourse I miss home. Miss the life that I had there. But its not something that wears me down or constantly plagues my thoughts. Its just nostalgia; a state that has to be dealt with and something highly important. I believe it shall keep me rooted during my time here; an assurance that I shall remain true to my world and the ideals I proclaim, being a part of it. 

Time travels at a blinding pace here. There is so much to do; so must to say, to understand and feel; and hardly enough time to do any. In the past 10 years or so, I have grown so accustomed to my world and all its aspects. Have taken it for granted on most occasions; assuming that it is going to last a lifetime and that I would always be trapped by it; protected by it. But all this is about to change in a while.

I still find myself almost in denial. Try to carry through all the acts of the day as if this is an unbendable routine. But one dream made it all frighteningly real. Its when I dreamt that I will be leaving on the very next day and it was so frighteningly realistic that it kept me awake for five straight hours.

How do you leave a life behind? I guess the only answer to that is…..you dont! You carry your world with you, treasure it, protect it and remain connected to it. Not just because of its ethical implications. But simply because you need to do so to survive. Everyone argues that my perspectives will change once I go there and that I will not return to my own country after completing my studies. I think, I feel too strongly for my country, my people and my world to remain separated from it for long.